Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
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