No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Is it penis luge time yet?
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
