life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Randomize
