Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
new midget porn idea. Wizard of Jizz: Munchkins Revenge
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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