Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
