508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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