I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
