Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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