Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
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