Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Randomize