porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
