Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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