eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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