Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
