fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
