she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
