Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
