I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
