I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
