I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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