I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Randomize
