my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Randomize
