Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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