I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Randomize
