It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Randomize
