while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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