Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
