Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
