i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
