Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
