a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
