My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
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