So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
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