I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
