who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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