I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Randomize
