We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Randomize
