Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Randomize
