I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
