She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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