A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Randomize
