The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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