my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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