You're my little dorito
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
