no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
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