look no pants
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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