I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
