i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
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