We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
