then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
