Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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