No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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