I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
My pussy is not your playground.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
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