Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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