so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
