Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Randomize
