The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
