I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Randomize
