I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
