Me. At least after what I've been through.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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