woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
