You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
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