i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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