You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Randomize