just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Randomize
